For much of my adolescence and into adulthood, I viewed myself as a victim. Given that I was the usual receptacle of my father’s rage, I came by the perception honestly. Our differences were settled by kicks, slaps and punches. But I came to prefer his physical abuse to his blistering verbal abuse. “Freddy Fuck Up” was his pet name for me. “Goddamn your eyes” a common curse to the most sensitive parts of my body. It didn’t help that I was sexually abused when just a boy.

Going through those things at an integral part of my development warped my self-image, and filled me with guilt and shame. I stopped believing in myself early on and felt a keen sense of defectiveness and had no belief in my strengths. The worst part of it was I thought I deserved it, that I brought it all on myself.

And like so many others I started to self-medicate those negative emotions. It was the only thing I knew to ameliorate my anger, sadness, rage and overall despair. Booze, weed, LSD and then later cocaine. Piles of it. As soon as I felt any negative emotion, I blitzed it with alcohol and cocaine. At first it worked at well, with minimal cost and big gains but over time the script flipped to minor gains and major league problems. Broke, divorced and with only a high school diploma at age twenty-eight, self-medication brought me to calamitous ends. All this when at an age when normal people were gaining traction in their careers and personal lives.

Bitterness and wrath overtook me. I raged about my father’s verbal and physical abuse. I deeply resented  my ex-wife who was around for the good times and the money, but gone when the going got tough. And then there was my so-called best friend, who borrowed a bunch of money from me then skipped town and abdicated any responsibility for the debt he swore would be repaid. How could these people mistreat me so, I thought? No wonder I became addicted, so would anyone else that had been through what I had. My view point was that I was put upon, snake bitten. My bad days had to do with shit luck. I lacked agency and felt I lacked talent. I was easily defeated and even slight obstacles loomed too large to overcome. I felt a keening need to please others, often at my own expense.

Being a victim meant that things happened to me rather than me making them happen. Being a victim meant to feel sorry for myself and to disempower me from improving my lot. Being a victim prevented me from taking action, because well, I’d probably fail anyway. The victim mindset was a lamenting, backward looking mindset that prevented me doing the things that would make the present and future better. Being a victim meant being stuck.

Lost and despairing, I finally found my way to therapy in search of answers, to find some way of turning my life around. One of the first things I learned there was the distinction between being victimized and hanging on to the idea of myself as a victim. In others words it was true that I had suffered abuse and it had altered any healthy sense of myself but in order to get well, I needed to understand that I didn’t need to live my life as a victim. The distinction was essential, because if I was a victim I would live out my days with no belief in my abilities to get well, to lift myself out of my morass.

 Another place where I started to learn I had agency was in self-help groups such as Narcotics and Alcoholics Anonymous. There I learned “I am the problem and I am the solution.” In other words, how I deal with my feelings and others is up to me. My problems had solutions and if I applied myself and worked on them diligently, eventually I would have success. The main thing was to commit and be consistent.  It may be true that someone would mistreat me, but how I respond is up to me. Now, I don’t give my time to people that are disrespectful or abusive. Not one minute.

 Finally, martial arts have been a huge confidence and self-esteem booster. For ten years I applied myself faithfully to boxing and other martial arts. I have learned to defend myself and if a situation arises where I need to protect my family or myself from another acting with force, I have developed the ability to do so. I have been taught to avoid violence as much as possible, and it’s absolutely a last resort, but if am attacked or need to defend the people I love, I can do so.  

 Today, I will not be a victim nor will I allow the people I love to be victimized. Mindset is integral and nobody has to maintain a victim’s mentality. You too can change!