Note: Identifying characteristics have been altered to protect anonymity.

 When people find out I’m in recovery and a clinician who works with those with substance use disorders, questions abound. People want to know if they might have an addiction or they know somebody who does and they wonder what they can do to help. I don’t make knee-jerk diagnoses and for me to answer, I need to do a complete evaluation. I’ve written another blog that might help (see below).

https://www.timlineaweaver.com/grappling-with-addictions/

 Consumed with Getting High

 I do have a story that well-illustrates the power and essence of addictions. I relate to it because it involves one of the substances I was addicted to, crack cocaine. This drug consumed my brain and body to the point where nothing else mattered much. I remember thinking at one point, I have no other reason for existing other than getting high. My body was just a receptacle for cocaine.

Enter Steve

 I first met Steve when I was working at an inpatient rehab. He was only twenty, a tall, stocky Minnesota kid with long blonde hair. He was boyishly good-looking with slanty eyes that gave him a devilish look. Like most people with addictions, Steve struggled with trauma. He came from a single-parent home. His mother struggled with addictions and left the family early in Steve’s life. He was a good athlete playing college hockey before cocaine took him down.

 Enslaved

 Steve possessed a no-bullshit honesty, fully letting me into his world. He was fairly deep into criminality. Breaking into houses then fencing the stolen valuables provided another thrill. His Dad often threw him out of the house and he’d couch surf, hit the no-tell hotels when he had the dough or live out of his car until his father would take him back in when he pledged stay clean. Like many young people, he bounced in and out of treatment. When you’re smoking cocaine, you know you have a problem because the drug makes you utterly powerless, enslaved until the last little bit is gone, and then you just want more. Anything for more.

 It’s hard to be in denial when you stay up for days, your finances are falling apart because every cent goes to using and your loved ones are suffering due to neglect. You want to stop but you crave the high so much you really don’t and so you swing between the two ends of the spectrum. Steve would have periods of sobriety then he’d relapse and come back to treatment.

 I hadn’t seen him for awhile when I walked in to work one morning and saw a few of my colleagues looking at a newspaper. One of them called out.

           “Hey Tim, check out what’s up with Steve.”

 I looked down at an article with photos and the headline: High Speed Chase. There was Steve hands cuffed behind his back lying on the ground with several of cops surrounding him.  The article detailed the pursuit and the multiple charges Steve was facing.  I felt sad and was reminded yet again of the destructiveness of addictions. Another life with potential derailed.

Consequences Don’t Matter

A month later, I walked into the cafeteria that doubled as a large group room for psycho-education. I scanned the room for a quick status update on my caseload when my eyes fell on Steve. He caught my eye and grinned while tipping his chin up. He lifted his hand up with his thumb and pinky extended and waggled his hand back and forth toward himself and in my direction. He wanted to chat. I nodded and he hopped up and headed to my office.           

“You saw what happened?” he asked.

            “Yes, Jesus Christ man, I can’t believe you’re here.”

            “Yeah, I’m court mandated. I really fucked up this time. But I think I get it now.”

             “What do you mean?”

“All that shit about being powerless, how cocaine makes you do stuff you wouldn’t do and how it puts you in really bad situations. I was tooling around in my car smoking crack and this cop lit me up. I had a few rocks left and all I could think about, the only thing that mattered was finishing my stash. So took off.”

“Wow,” I responded.

 Being in recovery from crack cocaine, the story resonated. We believe consequences don’t matter and any risk is well outweighed by the need to get high. As the charges piled up and the high-speed-chase continued, Steve was risking his freedom as well as the safety of some very pissed off cops and other drivers on the roadways all so he could finish his stash. Nothing else mattered. I fully identified with his single-mindedness and mighty need. Have you ever found yourself ignoring the consequences of your substance use?

Last I heard, Steve was doing well and continuing to recognize that picking up will only put him in similar situations and if there is a next time the consequences will only grow direr.

 The Essence and Recovery

 Steve’s story illustrates the essence of addiction and is a reminder for me and others with substance use disorders why we are in recovery and our need to stay that way. Our present and our futures depend on it. If you’re not in recovery, it’s worth reflecting on how preoccupied you are by your substance use. Know that treatment works. I have been clean and sober for many years and have found that recovering life has exceeded my biggest ambitions. I am truly happy. You don’t have to wait for dire consequences to be in recovery. You can do it.